Scientist, Cleric Debate Shelf Life of Holy Water
VATICAN CITY (Disassociated Press) April 17, 2008 – Does Holy Water have an expiration date? According to one scientist, it does.
"When you calculate quotient dispersal rates against regularized bivariate antediluvian matter reduction ratios, a formula that derives from standard carbon dating, the 'Holy' value of Holy Water from a regular parish priest is about ten years. This of course rises when the water is blessed by a monsignor, a bishop, a cardinal, etc. The expiration on the Holy value of Holy Water blessed by the Pope can be as long as 600 years," explained Bartholomew J. Sneed, Professor of Quantum Metaphysics at Johns Hopkins University.
Sneed's claim was immediately countered by Cardinal Roulette Bourgnian of France. "Of course, the Holy value of Holy Water is eternal - no matter the status of the priest who blesses it."
Sneed, whose scientific theories have been described by some as controversial, and who has been a professor at a number of educational institutions involving a wide variety of subject matters, has been in the international spotlight for some time, beginning with his theory that anthrax attacks could be perpetrated over the internet (see Scientist Warns of "E-Thrax," and Other Cyber Terrorism, The Disassociated Press, April 8, 2003). Since then, Sneed's notable theories have ranged from subjects like the emotional state of the Capitol Christmas Tree (see Capitol Tree May Face Identity Crisis, Scientist Warns, The Disassociated Press, December 1, 2005); the linkage of Arabic Studies to emergent homosexuality (Arabic Studies Linked to Homosexuality, Scholar Claims, The Disassociated Press, March 14, 2007); the true origination of the Interstate Highway System (see Interstate Highway System a Naturally Occurring Geological Phenomenon, Scientist Claims, The Disassociated Press, June 29, 2006), and the corroboration of Rosie O'Donnell's controversial 911 theories (see Scientist Corroborates Rosie O'Donnell's 911 Claim, The Disassociated Press, April 13, 2007). Sneed's claims regarding Holy Water are not his first theoretical foray into theological matters (See 'The Three Stooges'-Insight Into the Divine?, The Disassociated Press, September 24, 2006).
The Cardinal has also been much sought by the press for his thoughts on issues concerning theology (see Mother Teresa Beatified; Still Dead, The Disassociated Press, October 20, 2003; Pronunciation of 'Goddameter' Debated by Theologians, The Disassociated Press, April 19, 2004; Gibson to Re-Shoot 'Braveheart,' 'The Patriot,' 'We Were Soldiers,' The Disassociated Press, August 7, 2006; Alexandra Pelosi Comes to God, The Disassociated Press, January 26, 2007).
Sadie Goldstein of Crown Heights, who happened to be vacationing in the Vatican City at the time, had this to add: “However long it stays Holy, I think they should start putting something in it to make it smell like flowers.”